Burkie's 7 sets new record in ninja nightmare

Round 1 Winter - Seccers 14 Hammer Time 0

What a welcome back to competition in the opening round of the season with a nailing of the Hammer Time while Burkie's new world record 7 touchdowns made it a nightmare night for the nail bashers.

Burkie went ballastic in the first half of no subs, scoring 4 meaties in the first 10 minutes. He had his eyes firmly set on busting the Soulmann's 6 try record from last season, and finally achieved his feat late in the game despite the 2nd half tactical change to starve him of possession.

And he could have stretched the record to 7 tries on the bell, but Rupes wisely dummied to Burkie in a 2 on 1, 15m out with a certain try on, and decided instead to throw the ball over his head.

There were great performances all round.

• Will with magic hands all game and his GI Joe beard (and an unusual double try offered by the ref who asked him if he'd like to score twice in the same play.
• JJ Buck and his impeccable timing in defence (only got caught out twice).
• The uncanny X-Man making his long awaited comeback and holding on to more balls than he dropped (on countback).
• Puffing Billy who kept on steaming along to a few meaties.
• Sean 'Bogut' Wood's extraordinary dive to score a meaty which was followed up by an unusual jump which saw him land his melon on the head of his opponent and split open his own chin in the process, sending him to the sideline to drink his half time lolly though a straw.
• Grimspoon's & Rupes's strange play to 'pass the parcel' with the ball, instead of turning around and rolling the goddam thing
• And the Soulmann's queer fascination with the opposition player's cramped up leg. Must have been a 'skins' camaraderie thing.

So we enjoyed our turn around in fortunes. Blood oath it feels a lot better winning by 14, than being pummelled by the same margin. Pity there were no beers to savour the moment and to celebrate the 7 from heaven. JJ Buck, don't be shy with your eclectic collection of stow away beers...

Semi Final - Seccers couragous to the end

Pictures from the Seccers post semi final relax



Back row (L to R). Tunksie, Rupes, Herman Buckefella, Haydos, Burkie, Wookie MoiMoi, Grimspoon
Middle row (L to R). Will, Seagull, JJSoul, Sycho, CEO Dougie
Front row. Some of the offspring - future Fijians


Post mortems. Left conversation: "How bout those stupid young punks?! Good fun bashing them though. 'nuther beer?" Right conversation, Rupes says "look you 2, line defence means you go here, you go there. I can show you with the drink bottles again..."

Seccers 4 Saiyans 9

A flat first half performance proved costly for the Seccers as they bowed out of the competition in the semi final against Saiyans. However, Seccers had the better of the second half and won the hearts of the crowd with their spirited fightback, their determination and their display of showmanship which outshone the repetitive and disgraceful behaviour of the young punks.

So lets forget about the crap tries scored by Saiyans. They are the current Superleague champions (which account for their biggish heads), but how can you get excited by some skinny kid who crawls 10m along the ground to score under a couple of old chaps who can't bend their backs past 90 degrees.

Highlights for the final game were:

• Another try of the season set up by Wookie Moi Moi's miraculous reverse over the shoulder flick to Rupes who flew back in from 30m over the sideline to take the pie.

• Seagull's huge try saving intercept which nearly turned into a score for the good guys - but his 60m run ended when he just ran out of puff with 5m's left (going on an alcohol ban does this to you)

• Burkies continual reopening of old wounds - the youngest player in the line-up really needs to stop picking his scabs
  

• Stuey's subtle repeat of his gentle shoulder nudge to the skinny short kid who lost his breath on the impact and let out a little burst of air which sounded much like a half inflated 4 week old balloon when you put a pin in it - and does pop, but just deflates.
  

• The look of disbelief from the bench as they observed the limp looking kid with the leonardo da vinci looks, who was actually their worst player but was talking himself up the most.

• Some great retaliation from Herman (see below) who wasn't taking any shit from one particular loud mouth who had forgotten his place in life. Unfortunately Herman called the ref's bluff to stop sledging and copped a penalty for telling is how it is.
  

• And finally, Julian 'Herman' Buckefella and his mysterious black gaffa tape in his bag - what the hell is going on there...? If one of these young punks from the winners goes missing for the grand final, better check to see how much tape is left on the roll.
  

And lastly a word from Herman himself:

Geez I was driving home tonight and I can't agree more with CEO Stu. This is the best team we've got currently and the most fun we've had in years (that includes you too Marshalls we have still have your contract mate). Our style was a bit stymied in recent weeks by the young punks and their stoopid dump and run philosophy. The Fijians will be back and better / bolder than ever in a few weeks time. I think everyone is that keen to play in Winter we really should do it - this side's the frikkin bomb man.

Great year lads and can't wait to go around with y'all in a couple of months (no skins though boys in winter, man up eh???).

Round 11 - Seccers secure semi with solid stoush against the sulky Saiyans

Seccers 6 Saiyans 9

A huge improvement from the 14-1 loss in the first encounter with a sold performance to go down only 6-9 which was enough to book a semi final position with 6 touchdowns still in the bank against the 5th placed team.

The final ladder was:

POS		TEAM	P	W	L	D	B	FF	PP	For	Ag	GD	Pts
1		Saiyans Mens	11	9	1	0	1	0	0	103	41	62	31
2		Freestylers	11	7	3	0	1	0	0	73	53	20	27
3		Wii Not Fit	10	6	2	0	2	0	0	60	49	11	26
4		Seccers	11	5	4	1	1	0	0	62	59	3	24
5		Server Racks Australia	11	4	3	3	1	0	0	44	47	-3	24

The game was marred slightly by the impetuousness of kids who showed that their levels of talent was no match for their brat like behaviour and egos.

Once again Psycho Sykes let the way showing the Seccers how to hit the holes and finished with swags of tries. If not for his lackadaisical teammate JJ Buck, who was loitering near the line the charging Psycho would have got another. Unfortunately he just hit a lot of man boobs as JJ Buck couldn't get out of the way in time. But at least it was good practise for some offensive blocking for the following week against the same punks.

Of course the Psycho label could easily have been pasted on the ferret like creature JJ Soul, as his one mann mission to eradicate the world of whinny skinny brats saw him pushing and shoving the gob laden youths and encouraging them to get the ball so he give them some more.

But he's not as sly as the Seccers chief executive, who showed he was not affected by his long absence in Singapore and subtly set up the stoush with the surfie punk with a quick uppercut to the ribs. His Singapore exploits have given him some new found confidence with his hammies and his lack of regard for footware, boasting he could maintain his agility with some american flat soled shoes. Well his agility benchmark is on par with the reliability of his hamstings. Or his teeth for that matter, as he was overheard pleading with our resident dental specialist Big Pete for a full set of dentures for his next board meeting.

The marketing guru JJ Buck put his spin on the game "it was a great game lads across the board: 6-9 is a fair effort against the reigning ACT Super League champs: awesome defence and great cut-offs along with some very cool tries. (We left a few out there too which sets us up for a good match next week against the young punks methinks!). Bit of bark off the boys too I noted so some good guts by the lads with an eye to next week’s smash-up derby."

Yes the 'bark' is an interesting point. Burkey was still displaying the nappy rash looking grazes on his oversized front calves (fcuked if I know what they're called - Grimmo and Big Pete are the medicos in the team, not me). And his grazes took another hammering and were weeping more than Andy Murry after his shellacking to the mighty Federer in the Aussie Open last weekend.

Rupes was also dripping pools of blood from his shins while trying to cut off everything on the line, with the Seagull in his ear changing the line defence theory after each try we let in, but basically telling Rupes, he's yours, cut him cut him (not cut your shins Rupes).

Boys, you need to take a defensive lesson from the yak back, yak shinned Woody, who showed us a glimpse of his glory days in the 90s with a Herculean high diving effort to prevent a touchdown on the wing.... although only for one further touch as the punks scored in the same corner with Woody diving again in vain. Note that Woody had no bark missing from the legs. Given that it's nigh impossible for the concrete like surface to break through shin hair like his.

Well that's all I've got time for. Lets put in another big performance next week against the same irritants - and you never know what might happen. Note: a bit of intimidation might go a long way... don't leave it up to the short arsed members of your team, who lets face it, couldn't really knock the skin of a rice puddin!

Round 10 - Seccers all but secure a semi final birth

Seccers 8 Omnivores 2

At long last, a brief update of Seccers charge towards the semi finals.

Under pump with plenty of pressure to win the game, it was a do or die effort.

But the Seccers eat pressure for breakfast - some of the boys have been eating a lot more than pressure and it's starting to show...

Seccers never looked in danger as they tore Omnivores to shreds up the guts, with Syksie leading by example by seeming to waltz through the middle for multiple scores.

But the highlight of the game was the rambo, commando, dallas donnelly tumble roll in and out of the trenches effort by Will to score an opportunistic touchdown which left the Omnivores eating themselves in frustration.

The defence was tight and only a few momentary lapses gave the opposition any home. One of those efforts, a Thalidomide attempt by JJ Buck, was his only blot on another incredible defensive performance by marketing guru.

Now focus shifts to the last round against the hot favourites Saiyans. The game is basically a dead rubber situation as a win or a loss should not be able to budge the Seccers out of 4th place. However, with their first round encounter ending in a 14-1 loss, the Seccuals will have to improve by half otherwise our +14 try difference over the low brow ACT over 40s team aka the Server Hacks might not be enough to play finals. Should the Hacks win by 3 or 4, we'd need to limit the damage to no more than 9 touchdowns. Surely marketing whiz JJ BuckSec can put a positive spin on this.

But hopefully we can do a Parra over Saints (without the 32-0 loss) and surprise the Saiyans in the repeat game in the semi final.

btw, what is a Saiyan? This is what my research found

Saiyans (サイヤ人, Saiya-jin) are an endangered race of extraterrestrials in the anime and manga Dragon Ball and its sequels, Dragon Ball Z and Dragon Ball GT. In the series, the Saiyans are a naturally aggressive warrior race who were supposedly the strongest warriors in the fictional universe. Nearly all of the of the Saiyans were obliterated by Frieza [Frieza (Furīza) is one of the most significant villains].

Sounds like nerd shit, so lets smash them.

Predictions as of 2 Feb

Position Pts (Diff) Predicted pts Remaining games

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saiyans 28 (+59) 31 pts Seccers

Freestylers 24 (+14) 27 pts Smokin Guns

Wii Not Fit 23 (+11) 26 pts bye

Seccers 23 (+6) 24 or 26 Pts Saiyans

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Server Racks 21 (-8) 24 pts ACT Under 21's

Round 8 - Seccers revenge on the nerds

Seccers 9 ACT U21 kids 3

A super effort from the lads who were looking and playing oh so h-o-t! Leading from the front was a retro performance from Will who took the team back to the glory days with his special ‘Dallas Donnelly’ XXL shorts. The shorts already have now been inducted into the hall of fame, particularly after rumours that his wife joined him in the shorts for a laugh and a giggle after the match. In fact, the entire youthful opposition could have fit into the shorts with him, except the kid from 'where the wild things are' - the boy with the bull nose ring and tie dyed hair.

Inspired from the presence of our resident photographer (Repo) who was taking a wide selection of action shots of every player (hopefully some to published here), Billy Sykes streeted the defence to score his opening meaty with cheeks puffing madly, resembling something from a Listerine commercial! This was captured in an exciting 5 shot sequence that's sure to make the final selection for this year's Walkley awards.

With the finals approaching everyone hit their straps and looked fresh. To a man, there were excellent performances right across the park, not the least the Wookie going over for 3, Sykesy 2, Cody’s A1 return (despite a couple of intercepts) and the Grimspoon’s 65+m / (and several midfield charges) from deep in our half to set up yet another Seccers meat pie. There were other strong performances as you’d expect from the Burkles, Scolls, Julesy, Will and that man from acting half, Rupiah. And of course, back at his best, the sneaking defensive cut offs from JBuck, who was so fast, the decision makingly challenged ref couldn't believe it and pinged him for being too good.

As mentioned above, the Wookie's 3 pies were his first for the competition, which he had conveniently kept quiet to avoid the pressure of an impending nudy run for failing to score.

It was no wonder Wookie was hanging off anyone remotely looking to break through the line. He was sticking to them like mosquitoes to his rancid odourous feet.

But it was noted after his hat trick, things went a little bit to his Dallas Donnelly XXL head and his obvious attempt to dummy flick switch on the fulltime siren to get a 4th meaty, failed miserably and in the process bombed an dead cert try on the inside.

Nevertheless, it was a great turn around from the beating the kids gave us in the first round.

In response to the news that if we win next week we can make the semi finals, but we'll end up playing the favourites Saiyens twice in a row, including the semi final, JBuck offered the following words in his best Churchillian voice:

Ahem…my prediction is we will smash anything in front of us from this point on. We have barely got out of a gallop all year and let’s face it nothing else matters than next week and the week after. Beating a big headed favourite in a semi has to be the best feeling you could possibly have on a footy park save winning the biggie.

We have got that good a team and the way we ran last night I say look out opposition punks, get nervous, cause we’re ready to sssnnap anyone from here.

There, I said it (and actually believe it)! (Plus our side rocks / knows how to have fun and drinks puss at the end of each game, not carbonated wuss bag lolly water).

- Optimist Prime

This article was adapted from the true factual memoirs of J.J.Buck 21 Jan 2010.

Round 7 - Seccers show intestinal fortitude to return to the top 4

Seccers 8 Smokin Guns 4

After coming through a very bad period that felt like a combination of wind, bloating, belching, passage pain, indigestion and pure poo… and generally feeling like team's intestines were hanging on the outside - Seccers finally got back on the winners list which saw them return to the Top 4 of the competition.

Although the above description was the experience of returning resident man of mystery Daniel Craig, 009 himself, Sir William, who was heard releasing a huge burp after a long passage of play, so to speak - it pretty much summed up the team's performance running into the last game for the year.

But a magnificent call to arms, following Rupes' tale of desperation from last week, saw real commitment from the players who were prepared to risk an achilles tendon, their Bangkok belly and the birth of their new kid. Although the same can't be said for some bloke laid up in bed with a spongy lung after a frolic in potting mix, or the 'ultra committed' CEO who couldn't leave his treadmill in his attempt to look like Bono for Xmas. But one of the players appeared very keen to show up and show off his new missus, as was discussed in the post game gossip over a coldie, as they conveniently walked away with a trail of smitten in the air.

So to the game. The scoreboard indicated a whooping, but the game appeared closer as the Smokin Guns scored a few soft tries, with one sneaky effort when their substitute winger came out of nowhere and caught Burkie & Soulmann napping when they thought they had the numbers. Burkie admitted after the game he was actually thinking about an intercept to try and match the huge 80m effort by the big man Tunksie who stomped his way down the sideline leaving players in his wake.

That run pretty much kept Tunksie quiet for a while until he was on the end of another freakish try mid way through the second half. It happened after dummyhalf Soulmann, poorly telegraphing he was going to throw a long ball and sneak down the blind side, had to recalculate his plan. As the link defender failed to fall for this obvious trickery, Soulmann had to step off his left back into open space, only for a flying Burkie to shoot past him into the vacant hole. As Soulmann cursed this missed opportunity, yet another juggernaut of runners flew through the same hole without the ball. In the confusion to both attack and defence, the big man came loping and late into the vortex created by the others and he received the pass like a guided missile (some say intentional, others say it was a badly timed pass that the huge man latched onto) and he scored what ended up as the 'try of the year'.

JJ Buck was also in the thick of things, scoring 2 meaties and his audacious reverse flick pass to the winger, after a great set of hands to from his inside men, was something to be believed. It seems as though he had all the time in the world, but again critics were amazed that the retard hovering over him simply could have touched him 14 times in the time it took JJ buck to catch, turn, reposition, shuffle shuffle and flick the ball. Critics also panned JJ Buck after the game when he had a 20m start to the line with no one in front and was embarrassingly denied a hat trick when Toppy caught him 10m out... ok ok, you say, Toppy used to be the fastest winger back in 1987.

So the boys have earned a well earned rest for xmas and will gladly take the free 3 points on offer for the bye next week.

Soulmann acknowledges the literary contributions of Rupes, JJ Buck, Will the man of Dysentery, and U2 Stuey.