Round 8 - Seccers revenge on the nerds

Seccers 9 ACT U21 kids 3

A super effort from the lads who were looking and playing oh so h-o-t! Leading from the front was a retro performance from Will who took the team back to the glory days with his special ‘Dallas Donnelly’ XXL shorts. The shorts already have now been inducted into the hall of fame, particularly after rumours that his wife joined him in the shorts for a laugh and a giggle after the match. In fact, the entire youthful opposition could have fit into the shorts with him, except the kid from 'where the wild things are' - the boy with the bull nose ring and tie dyed hair.

Inspired from the presence of our resident photographer (Repo) who was taking a wide selection of action shots of every player (hopefully some to published here), Billy Sykes streeted the defence to score his opening meaty with cheeks puffing madly, resembling something from a Listerine commercial! This was captured in an exciting 5 shot sequence that's sure to make the final selection for this year's Walkley awards.

With the finals approaching everyone hit their straps and looked fresh. To a man, there were excellent performances right across the park, not the least the Wookie going over for 3, Sykesy 2, Cody’s A1 return (despite a couple of intercepts) and the Grimspoon’s 65+m / (and several midfield charges) from deep in our half to set up yet another Seccers meat pie. There were other strong performances as you’d expect from the Burkles, Scolls, Julesy, Will and that man from acting half, Rupiah. And of course, back at his best, the sneaking defensive cut offs from JBuck, who was so fast, the decision makingly challenged ref couldn't believe it and pinged him for being too good.

As mentioned above, the Wookie's 3 pies were his first for the competition, which he had conveniently kept quiet to avoid the pressure of an impending nudy run for failing to score.

It was no wonder Wookie was hanging off anyone remotely looking to break through the line. He was sticking to them like mosquitoes to his rancid odourous feet.

But it was noted after his hat trick, things went a little bit to his Dallas Donnelly XXL head and his obvious attempt to dummy flick switch on the fulltime siren to get a 4th meaty, failed miserably and in the process bombed an dead cert try on the inside.

Nevertheless, it was a great turn around from the beating the kids gave us in the first round.

In response to the news that if we win next week we can make the semi finals, but we'll end up playing the favourites Saiyens twice in a row, including the semi final, JBuck offered the following words in his best Churchillian voice:

Ahem…my prediction is we will smash anything in front of us from this point on. We have barely got out of a gallop all year and let’s face it nothing else matters than next week and the week after. Beating a big headed favourite in a semi has to be the best feeling you could possibly have on a footy park save winning the biggie.

We have got that good a team and the way we ran last night I say look out opposition punks, get nervous, cause we’re ready to sssnnap anyone from here.

There, I said it (and actually believe it)! (Plus our side rocks / knows how to have fun and drinks puss at the end of each game, not carbonated wuss bag lolly water).

- Optimist Prime

This article was adapted from the true factual memoirs of J.J.Buck 21 Jan 2010.

Round 7 - Seccers show intestinal fortitude to return to the top 4

Seccers 8 Smokin Guns 4

After coming through a very bad period that felt like a combination of wind, bloating, belching, passage pain, indigestion and pure poo… and generally feeling like team's intestines were hanging on the outside - Seccers finally got back on the winners list which saw them return to the Top 4 of the competition.

Although the above description was the experience of returning resident man of mystery Daniel Craig, 009 himself, Sir William, who was heard releasing a huge burp after a long passage of play, so to speak - it pretty much summed up the team's performance running into the last game for the year.

But a magnificent call to arms, following Rupes' tale of desperation from last week, saw real commitment from the players who were prepared to risk an achilles tendon, their Bangkok belly and the birth of their new kid. Although the same can't be said for some bloke laid up in bed with a spongy lung after a frolic in potting mix, or the 'ultra committed' CEO who couldn't leave his treadmill in his attempt to look like Bono for Xmas. But one of the players appeared very keen to show up and show off his new missus, as was discussed in the post game gossip over a coldie, as they conveniently walked away with a trail of smitten in the air.

So to the game. The scoreboard indicated a whooping, but the game appeared closer as the Smokin Guns scored a few soft tries, with one sneaky effort when their substitute winger came out of nowhere and caught Burkie & Soulmann napping when they thought they had the numbers. Burkie admitted after the game he was actually thinking about an intercept to try and match the huge 80m effort by the big man Tunksie who stomped his way down the sideline leaving players in his wake.

That run pretty much kept Tunksie quiet for a while until he was on the end of another freakish try mid way through the second half. It happened after dummyhalf Soulmann, poorly telegraphing he was going to throw a long ball and sneak down the blind side, had to recalculate his plan. As the link defender failed to fall for this obvious trickery, Soulmann had to step off his left back into open space, only for a flying Burkie to shoot past him into the vacant hole. As Soulmann cursed this missed opportunity, yet another juggernaut of runners flew through the same hole without the ball. In the confusion to both attack and defence, the big man came loping and late into the vortex created by the others and he received the pass like a guided missile (some say intentional, others say it was a badly timed pass that the huge man latched onto) and he scored what ended up as the 'try of the year'.

JJ Buck was also in the thick of things, scoring 2 meaties and his audacious reverse flick pass to the winger, after a great set of hands to from his inside men, was something to be believed. It seems as though he had all the time in the world, but again critics were amazed that the retard hovering over him simply could have touched him 14 times in the time it took JJ buck to catch, turn, reposition, shuffle shuffle and flick the ball. Critics also panned JJ Buck after the game when he had a 20m start to the line with no one in front and was embarrassingly denied a hat trick when Toppy caught him 10m out... ok ok, you say, Toppy used to be the fastest winger back in 1987.

So the boys have earned a well earned rest for xmas and will gladly take the free 3 points on offer for the bye next week.

Soulmann acknowledges the literary contributions of Rupes, JJ Buck, Will the man of Dysentery, and U2 Stuey.

Round 6 - Freestylers pushed all the way to the wall by gutsy Seccers

Seccers 6 Freestylers 9

Well boys, where do we begin? Let’s get the ball rolling with a little in-jest roasting. WHERE THE FARK WAS EVERYBODY?

For those magic 5 who bothered to turn up (in order of arrival - Rupes, Sykesy, Tunksy, JBuck, Grims) it was a tremendous effort to go down with all guns blazing, 9-6 to the freewheeling, free-throwing freestylers (1 of those 9 being made up of a penalty for non uniform). To the others we serve up a big, blue and red raspberry. Heaven help us if we get all 15-18 “contracted” players turn up at the same time.

As we were set to tap off, all 5 of us on the field, looked over at the young, early 20 something fitness freaks, then looked at each other, then looked towards the car park for the cavalry and it was at this moment we realised that this was akin to “Custer’s last stand”. The writing was on the wall when JBuck commented that “you know we are in trouble, when you can bring a sly 6 pack for the boys and still take some home with you”

As if in unison, we telepathically decided that we were “Never gunna give in” and proceeded to inflict as much pain as 5 of us could do. We scored in the first set of six. Massive casualties inflicted. Half way thru the first half we were up 3-2 and our arses were dragging big time. The flying Grimmo was infiltrating their defensive line and causing major losses as he scampered over twice in the corner only to tell us half way thru the first half that the firing pin on his weapon (his hammy) was in need of some major repair.

We went to oranges down 5-4, looking and feeling like we were well and truly outnumbered, as there were only 5 of us.

We had just about asked everyman and his dog if they were keen for a run, while playing in the first half, only to suffer rejection time and time again. As we were getting ready to suit up the pregnant Nadine and/or the very keen Reuben, we spied a young fella (in the same mould as what we were up against) sitting on his lonesome, totally in awe of what had been transpiring in front of him. Of all the games he could have chosen to watch he picked the one where the blood, guts and courage was creeping out of every screaming pore of the gallant 5 of us. Grimmo offered him the chance to be a part of something special and he eagerly agreed. Now here gents, is the “future” of the Seccers, please welcome James Bannon.

Big Sgt Tunksy pleaded with us to “not leave anything behind”, “just give everything you’ve got lads” and off we charged into battle, the 6 of us. We were under the gun from the start and even Tarlo (ref) quipped “What did you blokes take at halftime”. The online defence was typified by yours truly constantly screaming at Sgt Tunks that he had the inside & outside man, that the “Mexican” was into him, no he’s into me, no he’s into you. Lads it was absolute gold. The “future” was diving at will, stopping tries with inches to spare and even scoring one off a clever drop split with yours truly. General JBuck was marshalling the troops like nothing ever witnessed before and was even showing some frustration at the ref, Sykesy chased down infiltration after infiltration and in attack hit every farken gap those Mexicans were leaving and came up with some well deserved meaties. He even had one disallowed when the ref called a touch that the “Indians” hadn’t even made or called.

You see gents, we weren’t meant to win. How can a team of 6 of us (5 for the first half and 1 player near mortally injured) beat the young and wily freewheeling, free-throwing freestylers. They probably deserved the win but geez we were hard done by on a few calls from the ref and also the no-show of some of the playing roster.

All in all it was a hard fought game and one that will go down in the annuls of history.

Only 1 game left for this year boys with the 9th Dec being a bye.

And from General JBuckBuck

But seriously lads, I’ve played in some games but to see blokes not only push through the pain, hammy strains and all (and give it to them I might add) and then just fall short of knocking them off was something to behold! This is what we’re all about – I think they were all pretty much Queanbeyan Kangaroos first graders; so young fit and fast but nowhere near the ticker and drive (and birthdates!) of the dad’s army of 5 last night (+1, second half). The scrambling in defence to deny them tries was unbelievable.

Round 5 - You might think you were happy but you're not

Seccers 2 Wii Not Fit 3

Seccers run of luck finally came to an end with a late try leaving them out of the top 4 with a 4-3 loss.

The boys struggled with numbers, fielding only 5 players in the first few minutes including a topsoil laden Haydos, who looked more like a chimney sweeper than his attempt to look like a hard working war horse. A possible 6th player disappeared quicker than a Tongan beach resident, as a shirt-less polynesian ring-in disappeared to another team who induced him with a real team uniform. Woody, who was sitting on the sideline plucking his chest hairs, eventually joined the game and finally Big Peter 'Tunks' and Burkie rocked up to give the team some relief.

The game saw Seagull put in his best performance for the season, scoring a solo try with his trademark right foot step kind of jink, stutterish thing... oh well, it fooled the slow reacting defender and made Seagull look very good.

Seagull was in all the action and threw a great ball to Grimmo who raced to the scoreline only to be tragically cut down with inches to the line.

We struggled to hit the ball up most of the game, and we were pretty ugly with the ball. But the guys defended their arses off and scrambled well to prevent further carnage. Both teams played a competitive game and were giving it to each other, and more particularly giving it to the aging geriatric ref who was always about a minute or 2 behind the play. Sheep stations certainly seemed to be on the agenda.

The boys came off the field at the end of the game, a bit disappointed, but proud of the effort they put in, particularly voiced by Rupes who did his bit on the sideline, straining his lungs through the broken ribs to help out the team. "You got to be happy with that effort boys" said Rupes in the pre-beer speech.

But the Seagull left his best until last, with his dry candour "You might think your happy with that, but you're not" as he wandered off without his beer.

Round 4 - Seccer’s failed viral attack on Server Racks

Seccer’s viral attack on Server Racks (aka ACT over 40s rep team) failed to muster a win, with the boys escaping with a 4-4 draw after bombing numerous opportunities with poor finishing.

Seccers were inspired by infamous chick soccer player, University of New Mexico’s defender Elizabeth Lambert, who’s hair-pulling, kicking and punching antics made her famous world wide earlier in the week via the viral phenomenon of the internet.



But instead of one player taking on the whole team, the whole Seccers team targeted one man, the verbally annoying Maradona/Oompa-Loompa look-a-like Alex. After whining constantly that he was being man handled, Seccers took it upon themselves to knock him around with elbows, knees, shoulders and subtly placed bitch slaps. In fact he pretty much got thrown around like the little dwarf he is.

Unfortunately with these tactics, we took our eye off the ball again and continued to drop the pill on the first tackle and let in easy touchdowns with our wingers and links sucked in despite the many ‘drink bottle’ presentations and explanations. In fact one mistake at the roll ball was quite comical as Grimmo trod on the ball and nearly blew 2 years of rehabilitation on his knee.

Missing of course was the defence of JJBuckman, whose absence really demonstrated his worth.
As for the game itself, we were always chasing our tails when the Racks scored first. Whenever we levelled the scores, Racks managed another soft try. The score was 2-2 at half time and approaching the last 5 minutes we found ourselves 4-3 down.

The game was nearly won and blown when JJsoulman seemingly had Burkieman over for a score, but the poor pass bounced of Burkieman’s hulking chest right into the arms of the skinniest man on the field who raced away for an intercept. Don’t we have trouble with the whippet type players? A fantastic chase embroiled and the sinewy legged fellow was caught as he burnt up the remainder of his modest calves. My informant tells me it was the flying Sykesy who chased him down, which bizarrely looked like a mechanical rabbit chasing a greyhound instead of the other way round.

Another TD went begging when Tunksman only had to put the ball down to score, but hell it’s a long way for the ball to get down from that height. And Tunksman subsequently dropped the pill.

Thankfully Burkieman finally earned his recall to the team with a nice bit of razzle dazzle to equalise with seconds remaining.

Only one injury concern was to Rupes who chicken winged himself setting up a touchdown late in the first half.

The ladder sees us out of the top 4 on for/against. Saiyans 12, Freeballers 10, Wii 9 (+7), Racks 9 (+1), Seccers 9 (-6), ACT 21s 7, Omni’s 7, Smokin 6 and Tigers 4.

The team list this week (provided by Rupesman) was:

In: JJSoulman, Xman, Burkieman, Rupesman, Grimman, Tunksman, Haydosman, Sykesman, Scollsman, Seagullman

Out: JJBuckman, Woodman, Stuman, Willman, Lochieman

Round 3 - Seccers break the no.1 golden rule of Seccers Club

Seccers 7 Tiger Electrics 6

The 2 main outcomes of the struggling hard fought victory over the Tigers was that:

1. Seccers broke their no.1 golden rule of Seccers Club, and
2. You have a test due at 6.40pm Wednesday 11/11/09

The Golden Rules of Seccers Club
1. You don't talk touch tactics* in the post mortem beers
2. Score more tries that the other team

* acceptable beers discussion can include talking up your team mates great tries and defensive efforts, laughing at how you nearly caused an on field fight, how cleverly you disintegrated an opponent mentally or how bad the referee was.

Our struggle against the less fancied opponents had the so called 'touch professionals' dramatically re-enacting defensive plays with drink bottles and playing shoes and much intense discussion of how only the middle players must defend and the wingers are allowed to bludge out wide.

Following this 'discussion' chief lecturer Rupes issued a test that all players must complete. You must, in 500 words or more, discuss the "Anthropological merits of the defensive patterns of migratory wingers".

Full marks though to Grimmo, who was distracted easily and tapped on your correspondent's shoulder, ignoring the discussion, and said "will you have a look at this piece over there". And a tall Amazonian lass playing mixed in the next game, saunters past. Our new found concentration and hypnotic spell was only broken as she attempted to run and she looked rather knocked-knee'd.

So to the game itself, and another sluggish first half saw us claw back to a 4-4 halftime score. The pedantic intense referee once again got under the noses of the Seccers. When the referee announced the score of 4 all at the start of the 2nd half, Woody cleverly asked the referee "to which team?", which had the ref struggling for an answer. This witty sledge provided the only moral victory Seccers had all night with the ref.

2 early 2nd half tries had the Seccers in deep deep trouble. However, there was another legendary fightback. Led by Captain JBuck, who refused to leave the field "until the job was done" the Seccers hit back in rapid response with 3 pies in 3 or so minutes. This proved the difference as the Seccers held on under a mounting penalty count which saw us camped on our own try line for 4 or 5 sets from ridiculous penalties such as 'being a goose for missing a touch', 'not encouraging the opponent to go back 5 metres and play the ball safely out of the reach of our marauding pack' and 'touching with your left hand instead of your right'.

Man of the match was definitely the ref, who found fault at nearly everything we did, but turned a blind eye to the opposition. Was he treating us differently because we looked like elite athletes ready to rip into a fury of fiji touch, and wanted to bring us down a notch or too? Tall poppy syndrome? (we have a few tall poppies). Or did he pity the team that either looked under-fed rodents (who always seem to give us trouble), or obese ex-leaguies who have let themselves go?

The other highlight was when the normally mild mannered Woody got stirred up into a rage and bitch pushed the annoying skinny kid who had given him a gob for the temerity of being cleverly touched. But despite the ref providing the opportunity for both of them to take it further off the field with both being forced subbed, and the youngster snivelling behind his back that he's going to take him on, the action fizzled out as Woody became his diplomatic self again and asked the kid if he'd like him to call his mummy.

In other news, Seccers CEO and occasional player Stuey and his side kick Woody (pictured left) took out the 'best sideline move by hairy backed players' in the 2009 Hirsute Achievement awards.

Round 2 - Seccers ambushed by genetically modified freaks

Seccers 1 Saiyans 14

We walked right into an ambush last night. An ambush hatched 20 years ago when CSIRO scientists start tinkering with the human genome to produce the ultimate touch football freaks – young slim muscular agile fast blonde surfie looking try scoring machines.

It was enough to make the Uncanny X-Man breakdown in frustration as these genetically engineered 18 year olds played havoc with his aging body. I’m sure these Keanu Reeves of Touch were running at half speed while we were trapped in a slo-mo setting . But of course it was like a blur to the X-Man and he ripped into a series of insults, only to be pounded by youthful remarks such as “you should be retired old man”. X-Man’s retort of “we’ll see how well you go in a 45 year old body you little punks” held no weight, as realistically, we’re not going to be around to see it anyway. As the game wore on, his age creeped up “I’m ok for a 48 year old… just slow down would yers”.

Of course the conspiracy theorists have already deduced that these scientific freaks were designed with the sole purpose of destroying the Seccers. No mortal humans could beat the Seccers by such a scoreline and with such ease.

There were not too many highlights of the game. Unfortunately heads were dropping and enthusiasm waned as fiji touch style was hit by a sidestepping tsunami.

Although our defence was pounded in broken play, there were still impressive defensive performances by Rupes with his wonderful cut-off defence on the line, saving the team from further embarrassment. And JBuck was his stealthy best and in the faces of kids, forcing errors that the youngsters hadn’t experienced before. But even JBuck couldn’t prevent touchdowns with legitimate touches, as the ref awarded another try despite his clear touch saying “I’ve been awarding touchdowns to them all game – I’m not going to stop now”.

And the big units Tunksie and Haydos worked their rings off in defence – but it had about as much effect as a giraffe trying to catch a spider monkey.

We welcome the returns of Grimmo and Burkie. The latter conveniently slotting the No.1 jersey back on after his sojourn with the piss. Grimmo slotted back into the team with ease and you wouldn’t have realised it was his game for 15 years. An interesting tactic by Grimmo with his second half Kapa o Pango (throat cutting) haka, possibly aimed at himself after an unforced error forced his immediate (self) replacement.

Thankfully the 2 Julian’s combined to prevent a nil scoring whitewash. But it was a rare opportunity to cross the line. Even a long ball thrown by your correspondent, surely leading to a score out wide, mysteriously floated out of control into the hands of their fullback, who ripped through the straight line of defence to score another length of field meaty. Surely their ball had been genetically tampered with too.