Mid season stats cause i'm bored

Seccer's stats after 6 rounds

• Best winning streak - 6(and counting)
• Biggest win - 14-0 (round 1 v Hammer Time, who are surprisingly coming last)
• Smallest win - 7-4 (round 4 v Cruciates, who are currently 5th)
• Record against other top 4 teams (Shooters TFC, Tiger Electrics, Server Racks - haven't played them yet - could be why they are still in the top 4 ;-) big challenge as we have them in our next 3 games.
• Average touchdowns scored per game - 9.66
• Average touchdowns conceded per game - 1.8
• Most balls dropped per game (from the chest) - 14 (Xman)
• Big Billy Haydos barn-storming runs per game 2.5 (that's all he can manage)
• World record touchdowns scored by one player in a game - 7 (Burkles)
• Leading hamstring twangs 7 (Rupes)
• Leading defensive sneaks by JJ Buckstar - 45 (called for offside 22)
• Most bloodied noses, chins and foreheads (received) - 3 (WoodyMoiMoi)
• Appearances by CEO Dug Stew - 0 (yes, that's zero!)
• Dummies to team mates in scoring situations, leading to NO score - Burkles, Rounds 1-4 at least 10 per game, Rounds 5 & 6 (amazingly he's passed the ball)
• Players with close resemblance to Graham 'Wombat' Eadie - 1 (Willy)
• Front teeth found on the paddock - 1
• Gold necklaces found on the paddock - 0 (reward se.x. by cute blonde for finding necklance - 0)

POS		TEAM	P	W	L	D	B	BP	FF	For	Ag	Diff	PC	Pts
1		Seccers	6	6	0	0	0	0	0	58	11	47	527.27	18
2		Shooters TFC	6	5	0	1	0	0	0	43	26	17	165.38	17
3		Server Rack Australia	6	5	1	0	0	0	0	50	16	34	312.50	16
4		Tiger Electrics	6	4	1	0	0	0	1	44	30	14	146.67	13
5		Cruciates	6	3	3	0	0	0	0	39	27	12	144.44	12
6		Analytic Allstars	6	2	3	1	0	0	0	38	28	10	135.71	11
7		Invision Saints	6	2	4	0	0	0	0	38	45	-7	84.44	10
8		Ninja Cats TFC	6	2	4	0	0	0	0	24	52	-28	46.15	10
9		HTW	6	0	6	0	0	0	0	15	62	-47	24.19	6
10		Hammer Time	6	0	6	0	0	0	0	10	62	-52	16.13	6

Seccers invalids just able to run and remain unbeaten

Round 6 Winter - Seccers 7 HTW 2 (official score)

[story updated]

With most of the so called stars missing from action & 2 legends of the game missing limbs & hamstrings & unable to run on to the ball, let alone catch it, the seccers were on a hiding to nothing.

Of course you knew i was talking about Xman (whose x factor is dropping the ball in all imaginable ways) & Rupert, both whose hammys had shrivelled away to the proportions of a high note guitar string.

There wasn't much to laugh & cheer about early on, as we coughed up ball after ball & but the line defence held up well, despite a rare blemish by Burkles who let a soft one in on the half time bell.

The second half was supposed to be played conservately, according to Burkles half time recommendations, with the dummy half and roll-ball-dude to pass to each other for 5 touches and then shove the ball up your arse and run over to Adelaide Avenue and dodge the traffic.

Fark that of course, as we continued to Fiji it and fortunately the balls were caught, despite some loose passes with the soap like ball.

There was one hilarious moment when the opposition asked the touch count & some sneaky Seccers rat aka the Soulman, told them it was the 5th, only for it to back fire as Grimspoon demanded the ball next touch with everyone thinking his brain exploded. "Except the 'black' guy who tried to give me the ball" said the white Spoon.

We could have scored many more touchdowns but the last pass was either wildly sprayed onto Adelaide Ave (Big Pete, I said I wouldn't say anything... until the blog) or dropped on the wing over the line.

However, the best was saved to last, with a siren sounding try spectacular from Willy who threw a cut out to Billy the Kid on the wing. As the ball looked headed to the dirt yet again, Billy scooped the ball mm's from the ground and slid across the line in a triple-double movement, to bring joy to all involved.

AND REMEMBER (Esp Billy Haydos) WE HAVE THE BYE NEXT WEEK DUE TO STATE OF ORIGIN

Rupert the Bear shot

Round 5 Winter - Seccers 10 Analytic Allstars 2

Another penetrating attacking raid from deep inside our own half. Rupert switches inside, receives the ball and carves the opposition up the guts.
Only 20m's to go. Try time beckoning. Then...


Wham!! 


The sound of gun shot.

Rupert's legs come out from under him and he hits the deck.


It's all over for him. Hammy torn to pieces by a sniper in the woods. The touchdown glory disappears in a split second.

But the carnage continued, both with injuries to our own so called 'hard men' and of course carnage to yet another opposition, who couldn't handle the razzle dazzle of the decoys, dummies, sidesteps, silky hands and decisive darts, as the boys racked up 10 of the best.

This lovely lass isn't really relevant to the story, 

but she turned up when I Googled "Rupert the Bear shot"

Rupert, recuperating (sulking?) on the sideline, described the night as "a carve up".

"We had old fellas hitting the deck everywhere. We had hammys go, pulled thigh muscles, a pesky ITB being nursed through, a bout of Tonsilitis threatening to bring the Train to a thundering halt and the Soulmann doing his best Woody impression with a sneaky dive touchdown. We had Cody stuck in 2nd gear when at least 3rd was needed, big Pete was too tall to stop the little fellas diving at his feet, Bourky holstering his adept dummy for most of the night and Bucky sitting back with the conductors wand running the show."

Burkie said after yet another off load (more than he's done all winter and the preceding Summer) "i'm a bit scared (or did he say scarred) of the pen. I can't handle another bad write up".

It was a cold night as well. Not so much the wind chill of last week but a frost had settled quite early in the first half. But Rupesy, Big Pete and JJ Bucks braved it out for an extra 2 beers after the game, while they watched Seagull play the serious stuff afterwards, while coincidentally Soulmann ref'd him and denied his team 4 or 5 touchdowns.

The 3 eventually wandered off into the frost, with JJ Buck suspiciously hiding some hard bottle shaped object sticking out of his pants as he used Big Pete and Rupes as cover.

Next week: Seccers (5/5) v HTW (0/5)
Following week: No game (S.O.Origin)

The ladder after R5

POS		TEAM	P	W	L	D	B	BP	FF	For	Ag	Diff	PC	Pts
1		Seccers	5	5	0	0	0	0	0	51	9	42	566.67	15
2		Shooters TFC	5	4	0	1	0	0	0	37	21	16	176.19	14
3		Server Rack Australia	5	4	1	0	0	0	0	44	12	32	366.67	13
4		Tiger Electrics	5	4	0	0	0	0	1	39	24	15	162.50	12
5		Analytic Allstars	5	2	2	1	0	0	0	34	22	12	154.55	10
6		Cruciates	5	2	3	0	0	0	0	28	26	2	107.69	9
7		Invision Saints	5	2	3	0	0	0	0	32	38	-6	84.21	9
8		Ninja Cats TFC	5	1	4	0	0	0	0	17	46	-29	36.96	7
9		HTW	5	0	5	0	0	0	0	13	55	-42	23.64	5
10		Hammer Time	5	0	5	0	0	0	0	9	51	-42	17.65	5

Nightmare on Seccers Street

Round 4 Winter - Seccers 7 Cruciates 4


I had a nightmare recently, and it involved playing a mad game of Touch with an afro wig on, while being refereed by 2 of the world's worst ever referees, Greg 'Hollywood' Hartley and "Barry "the Grasshopper" Gomersall. After being pounding with penalties all game, I was deadset going to score out wide on the wing, with a 2 on 1 advantage, but my inside man Ian 'the Chook' Herron dummied the ball again, got caught and blew the scoring opportunity.

Does this sound familiar to you??

Fark yeah.

Fair dinkum, this was no dream. This happened last Wednesday night, cept for the names.

The little 4ft ref who so reminded me of Hollywood Hartley had an absolute shocker and blew his little whistle like he was sucking on some Oxford St Sausage. Half the time we were left shaking our heads with some of the penalties he pulled. Fair dinkum (again), he wasn't watching the ball, he was probably fixated on the back of your shorts.  It seemed to affect the other ref, who did a fair job for us last week, but this time he was blowing penalties against us as if he didn't want to be overshadowed by the runt of the refereeing litter.

Examples:

• The 2 Julseys touch some bloke in the first half near our line. We were very casual about it because, hey, he was touched and passes the ball after. Straight forward. Hand us the ball. But nooooooo, we didn't shout it out like Leyton Hewitt 'C'Monnnnn, I touched him". Try. 
• Psycho, get's touched on the last, or penalty or something. He has to run back. Has his head down. "Give them the ball". He's still 10m away thinking he's doing the right thing. Bam. Penalty. 10m down the track. 
• One of us makes a touch, runs back to his line. Touches again. Touchdown! Huh? "Oh I said you were offside". What the f---? Did you whisper that to yourself? Someone overhead him say "nice arrse". It's a bit like that army truck driver on anzac day, taking a photo from the rear, and no hands on the wheel. Crash!

You'd almost think we'd lost the game. Far from it, which just goes to show how crap they were.

So while I'm dishing it out. Please note last week's blog about the '1 dimensional play' of our resident world record holder Tim 'the Chook' Burkles. Did I say his conversion rate was good? Did that go to his head?? Possibly. He was probably 0 from 5 in the dummy-to-the-outside man and score himself stakes. Young fella, when you have a 2 on 1 on the wing, your winger is 10 metres away from the last defending who has absolutely no chance of making it. PASS the farkin ball!!  If he's wearing deadlocks, DEFINITELY pass him the ball.

Let's go to some positives. Nah, I couldn't be bothered. I was just more interested in bagging out the referees and slagging off the former Mr Perfect.

Oh ok, nice performance by 'Skylab' Pete, with his 2 tries out wide and his modesty of "you blokes inside did all the work". If that were true he would have got 3 pies, if not for Burkles thinking Skylab was still in orbit and passed so high, that half the team touch Pete before he could get the ball down from the clouds to the pie line.

Look, while I've got an easy target. Someone settle him down would yer. Burkles, that guy must have at least touched you 3 times. You can't keep sooking about it. Hollywood and the Grasshopper were never going to give you a break.

ps. Anyone heard from the boss-man Dougie? Last reports were that he was cavity searched by Danny De Vito in LAX airport for 2 hours. But De Vito never resurfaced...

Also, had anyone found the missing gold chain from the wee cute blond lass before the game started. Just quietly, the lucky finder of that chain would have a great opportunity to seek some nice reward... However, no one seemed interested in finding Will's lost front tooth. Bit Peter, when you hammer in his replacement, can you chose something different? perhaps from your Beaver range?

Looks like we have a more challenging game on hand next week against the Allstars, currently 4th. We missed 2 of our scoring machines Haydos and Seagull this week, so hopefully they'll be back on board for the Allstars.

Meanwhile, we're looking pretty on the ladder, even if our percentage halved.

POS		TEAM	P	W	L	D	B	BP	FF	For	Ag	Diff	PC	Pts
1		Seccers	4	4	0	0	0	0	0	41	7	34	585.71	12
2		Shooters TFC	4	3	0	1	0	0	0	29	17	12	170.59	11
3		Server Rack Australia	4	3	1	0	0	0	0	39	9	30	433.33	10
4		Analytic Allstars	4	2	1	1	0	0	0	32	12	20	266.67	9
5		Tiger Electrics	4	3	0	0	0	0	1	24	19	5	126.32	9
6		Cruciates	4	2	2	0	0	0	0	25	21	4	119.05	8
7		Invision Saints	4	1	3	0	0	0	0	23	35	-12	65.71	6
8		Ninja Cats TFC	4	1	3	0	0	0	0	12	31	-19	38.71	6
9		Hammer Time	4	0	4	0	0	0	0	6	42	-36	14.29	4
10		HTW	4	0	4	0	0	0	0	9	47	-38	19.15	4

Rupesy's halftime diagram for the next game

Seccers a Jewish nose in front of the Saints

Round 3 Winter - Seccers 10 Invision Saints 2

Although the score belies another thumping and weak opposition, the game seemed a lot tougher than it seems.

The Saints were a constant threat with a few elusive fellows, although their main weapon of scooting or sweeping to the short side was rather one dimensional and shut down after a couple of early blemishes to our line.

Of course the mighty Seccers were anything but one dimensional, with touchdowns covering all facets of play. There were magic hands out wide. There was the dummy switching going on between Haydos and his mentor Rupes. There was the desisive dummy half sprints from inside his own half from the revitalised Seagull, which lead to half of the touchdowns to the every present and try sniffer Burkie. Burkie also sniffed out a few of his own, usually throwing his trademark dummy with 2 or 3 unmarked Seccers out wide. (note to Burkie - mate, as per the previous 1 dimensional comment, don't forget to mix it up and a few other TDs went begging - but can't knock your success rate).

Other highlights included:

• The ridiculous sleeve-less, leg-less outfit displayed on the X-Man as he rocked up to the game. Mate it's fcuking winter now. You do not have to prove your manhood looking like some tri(hard)-athlete about to set off for a run around lake burley G on a summer's afternoon.
• Another magical X-Man moment when he was put in the clear, only for him to swan dive over the 5m line and be denied an easy meatie. To his credit he got up again (thanks to a subtle shepherd off the ball from yours truly) and he ran cross field for another minute trying to find another gap, but they had all closed up as soon as he got near them (does this reflect another aspect of your life Crossy...?)
• X-Man was involved again, remarking on the ocean like sweat output coming off Big Pete, who marked his first game for the season with some huffing and puffing. And most of that huffing came when he wasn't too impressed when X-man queried his Jewish nose. Tunksie, he meant there's a lot of "dew on your nose" - referring to the aforementioned sweating problem.

And there was a few more unforced errors during the many line breaks made during the game. My analysis was that it's the guys with the rugger background, who hear the support player calling "short ball, short ball" and they pop a little pass, expecting another dopey forward to hit the ruck and maul. Stupid forwards!!!! You know who you are...


So that ends the wrap. We are still on top with a massive 1,000 better percentage than the 2nd team. I'm sure we'll run into some quality opposition soon. But as mentioned in the beginning, our opposition last night was good. But we were just outstandingly awesome. Maybe a harder challenge next week from Cruciates who are 2 from 3.

Seccers conspire to get a percentage

Round 2 Winter - Seccers 10 Ninja Cats 1

After the 14-0 thrashing we handed out last week, leaving us on top of the ladder, we were vulnerable without a percentage. This time Seccers meated out another hiding and allowed a solitary complimentary charitble intercept touchdown, purely intended at establishing a percentage (a whopping 2,400%). Anyway, that's the Soulmann's story, after popping a nice ball to some Ninja, and he's sticking to it.

Highlight of the game was the Will the Wombat's storming run for a solo touchdown, which had teammates talking comparisons with the great Graham Eadie. And it was razzle dazzle all round as Seccers provided the entertainment with 10 scintillating tries, which had sections of the local media questioning the salary cap of this star studded line-up.

One of those players, Cody de Seagulli, who joined the team in similar circumstances to Brett Finch, played his first game of the season, quashing rumours he'd fallen out with management. His appearance did however, come to the attention of the salary cap auditor, who is questioning the appearance of what seems additional hair implants.

Cody was immediately back to his best, with only one blemish when he put on a 'move' close to the line, but failed to give Soulmann the extra 10 seconds to reconnect the broken synapses of his rep playing days to remember what to do, with the resulting ball bouncing off his head (and having to endure a lecture at halftime from a Seagull pumped like he'd found a bucket of chips on a Bateman's Bay park bench).

We won't mention the rare unforced error from JJ Buck coming off his line in the middle of a Fiji hit-up. Or the 5 minute bad period early in the second half when holding the ball was about as popular as Tony Abbott in budgie smugglers.

So here's the very good looking ladder:

POS		TEAM	P	W	L	D	B	BP	FF	For	Ag	Diff	PC	Pts
1		Seccers	2	2	0	0	0	0	0	24	1	23	2400.00	6
2		Cruciates	2	2	0	0	0	0	0	17	6	11	283.33	6
3		Shooters TFC	2	2	0	0	0	0	0	17	9	8	188.89	6
4		Server Rack Australia	2	1	1	0	0	0	0	15	5	10	300.00	4
5		Analytic Allstars	2	1	1	0	0	0	0	14	7	7	200.00	4
6		Invision Saints	2	1	1	0	0	0	0	18	13	5	138.46	4
7		Ninja Cats TFC	2	0	2	0	0	0	0	4	17	-13	23.53	2
8		HTW	2	0	2	0	0	0	0	5	22	-17	22.73	2
9		Hammer Time	2	0	2	0	0	0	0	1	26	-25	3.85	2
10		Tiger Electrics	2	1	1	0	0	0	1	4	13	-9	30.77	0