Round 2 - Seccers ambushed by genetically modified freaks

Seccers 1 Saiyans 14

We walked right into an ambush last night. An ambush hatched 20 years ago when CSIRO scientists start tinkering with the human genome to produce the ultimate touch football freaks – young slim muscular agile fast blonde surfie looking try scoring machines.

It was enough to make the Uncanny X-Man breakdown in frustration as these genetically engineered 18 year olds played havoc with his aging body. I’m sure these Keanu Reeves of Touch were running at half speed while we were trapped in a slo-mo setting . But of course it was like a blur to the X-Man and he ripped into a series of insults, only to be pounded by youthful remarks such as “you should be retired old man”. X-Man’s retort of “we’ll see how well you go in a 45 year old body you little punks” held no weight, as realistically, we’re not going to be around to see it anyway. As the game wore on, his age creeped up “I’m ok for a 48 year old… just slow down would yers”.

Of course the conspiracy theorists have already deduced that these scientific freaks were designed with the sole purpose of destroying the Seccers. No mortal humans could beat the Seccers by such a scoreline and with such ease.

There were not too many highlights of the game. Unfortunately heads were dropping and enthusiasm waned as fiji touch style was hit by a sidestepping tsunami.

Although our defence was pounded in broken play, there were still impressive defensive performances by Rupes with his wonderful cut-off defence on the line, saving the team from further embarrassment. And JBuck was his stealthy best and in the faces of kids, forcing errors that the youngsters hadn’t experienced before. But even JBuck couldn’t prevent touchdowns with legitimate touches, as the ref awarded another try despite his clear touch saying “I’ve been awarding touchdowns to them all game – I’m not going to stop now”.

And the big units Tunksie and Haydos worked their rings off in defence – but it had about as much effect as a giraffe trying to catch a spider monkey.

We welcome the returns of Grimmo and Burkie. The latter conveniently slotting the No.1 jersey back on after his sojourn with the piss. Grimmo slotted back into the team with ease and you wouldn’t have realised it was his game for 15 years. An interesting tactic by Grimmo with his second half Kapa o Pango (throat cutting) haka, possibly aimed at himself after an unforced error forced his immediate (self) replacement.

Thankfully the 2 Julian’s combined to prevent a nil scoring whitewash. But it was a rare opportunity to cross the line. Even a long ball thrown by your correspondent, surely leading to a score out wide, mysteriously floated out of control into the hands of their fullback, who ripped through the straight line of defence to score another length of field meaty. Surely their ball had been genetically tampered with too.

Ewen McKenzie says Seccers cared more about fancy football than nudity

NEW Queensland Reds coach Ewen McKenzie has accused Seccers bosses of recruiting players on the basis of ability not looks.

McKenzie, who was not selected by Canberra ‘Fijian’ touch specialists Seccers in September, said the club was more interested in having players with exceptional ball skills and scoring spectacular tries rather than pose them for the club's semi-nude calendar.

"Seccers is the best team in the world in terms of skill," the coach told French sport daily L'Equipe.

"It's an international brand. But on the level of their looks, some things are shocking. Seccers are verging on amateurism. More than half of these blokes are over weight and covered in back hair"

He went on to accuse club president J. Buck of "only seeing two things – passing the ball at every opportunity and the after match beers".

The popular Seccers calendar 'Dieux du Stade Deaxan' (Gods of the Deakin Stadium), features nude and semi-nude photographs of team members.
"He has a marketing outlook which is not always in the best interests of sport," said McKenzie.

"For example, Buck could recruit one player over another just because he has skills. He had no regards for a better looking player for the calendar.

"He has players in the squad who I would never choose. I heard that players such as Burkie were requested to leave the club because they wanted to pose for the calendar.

"He had certain players in the team who, for me, shouldn't have been in a team targeting a calendar for the Canberra market. "

Bucky reacted later with disdain.

"He has found a job in Queensland, and it is imperative for him to justify the reasons why Seccers, which is a well known club in Australia, did not select him and all he comes up with are derogatory remarks," he told French radio station RMC.

"From A to Z, everything he said was rubbish.

"Professionally speaking, ask the players - he wanted good looks, he wanted one-up hits and he wanted nudity . This just did not fit into the culture at Seccers.

"In terms of recruitment, we just could not find people with great touch skills AND good looks. His expectations were unrealistic"

The former Waratahs coach McKenzie has since been recruited by Queensland for three Super 14 seasons. He managed to steal the only good looking bloke in the Seccers set-up, the curly headed heart-throb Marshy, and will use him on the front page of the new Red’s nude calendar.

Original story

Where is Marshy?

From the Brisbane Courier Mail 16 Oct 2009

NEW Queensland Reds S14 coach Ewen McKenzie has made his first appointment. He has wooed Damian Marsh, the long-time strength and conditioning boss at the ACT Brumbies to the Reds for 2010.

"I know Damian Marsh is a tough taskmaster so he'll be whipping players into line physically." said Wallaby winger Peter Hynes.

Marshy farewells the Seccers

G'day Boys

Just wanted to let you know that my time in Canberra and with the Brumbies has come to an end. You might be also sader to know I am moving up to Queensland to be with the Reds. I'm definately going to miss that free flowing Fijian style strastec touch - not that i was much good for you this season with my bad wing and ever decreasing pace. But I am looking forward to the warmer climate!

Farewell speech from Captain/Coach/Manager Buck

Geez Marshy what about that bolt from the blue bro? Shyzen, that's good news for the Reds and the IQ up in banjo lovin' QLD, but what a loss to the Brumbos and Seccers outfit????

Great result mate for your career I'm guessing too, linkin' up with the Link. So when is your last days and can we see you off post game Wednesday night sometime soon or otherwise? Just a beer or two to say thanks for the memories, let us know your movements lad.

Let me tell you Marshy, you're are a bona fide touch superstar inside that 'Head Conditioner' façade. Keep on touchin' mate and give those banana-benders a bit of the old Fiji-Seccers magic when you link up with a team up there.

Geez we're gonna miss ya mate; we'll always keep a spot open when you're down again or for a tourney or two that doesn't clash with your rugby commitments. First stop, Yass Touch Knockout on the Australia Day weekend which we're about to announce, well now we have...23-24 Jan 2010!

All the best Josh Morris (don't think you're a twin but you can score the odd meaty) and look forward to catching up with you in the other Sunshine State!

Buck

Woody in his heyday

What was Woody doing back then for the mighty Eagles?

Poll results

About to score a special touchdown	2 25%)
The fool dived well before the line	4 50%)
He spilled the ball & tried to regather	0 (0%)
Photoshopped himself (he was acually lying backwards and screaming in pain after being hit)	2 (25%)
Woody who?	1 (12%)
It's about time he did this for the Seccers	3 (37%)

Round 1 - Too much meat for Omnivores

Seccers 11 Omnivores 5 (first round of the graded comp)

So fellas, a great second half performance last night after a very tight first half (4-4). Lauchy's intercept on the half-time hooter broke the spirit of the opposition and provided the impetus for the second half shellacking of the Omnivores, who needed a bit more meat in their diet.

Highlights of the game

• Lauchy's intercept and general running around all over the field all game (only in attack he admitted). Sometimes he over did it and sprinted to the opposite side of the field when we already had the overlap, but he was thinking a few plays ahead of us. On discussing tactics in the post match interview, Lauchy said probably best not to get too deep in discussions as his memory is pretty much that of a gold fish and can't remember one play from the next. Yes Lauchy, you did score an intercept and you did take another long one as well. And yes, we found Nemo.
  

• Our 2 new players in the 2nd half which injected some speed and fresh legs and was a big contributing fact to our improvement.
  

• The "intense" referee who "unsettled" your correspondent, who's attempt at winning a penalty by calling his opponent a "fcuking carnt" backfired miserably and ended up being 'force subbed'. I bloody needed a rest, but. Note to self, must be more subtle and sneaky like my namesake Julian.
  

• The Boss Wolverine who had all his power back, which led to a couple of mungus passes that sailed over the head of the wide men and landed over on Adelaide avenue. Some nice switches by the Wolverine, leading to great tries. "We fooled them with this simple stuff" he was later heard to say in the beer-down after the game.
  

• A nice return to the fold by the monstrous white fijian Peter "Tunksafoifoi". Geez he worked hard in defence, earning the ire of the referee for being allegedly offside all game. He just 'seemed' offside because of his huge hulking body gave the impression he was closer to the defence.
  

• A couple of nice runs from the Seagull but was unusually mowed down just short of the line on 2 occasions after 50m sprints, but he did get over for 2 or 3 meaties to show his worth. He was scratching his head all game about why he had nothing in the tank. In a moment of clarity in the post match discussion, he realised he'd had 4 or 5 bourbons at lunchtime...
  

• Interesting defensive tactics by the young Seagull as he prevented a certain try our own team by loitering in the oppositions defence. He was heard mumbling "that little bleck carnt isn't going to score 6 this week..."
  

• Burkie's comeback was put on hold for another week as he avoided breaking up with his Urinators until the last minute and then felt bad and played with them for one more week.
  

• Woody showed great commitment by sneaking out of the house, bringing his kids with him, to line up for another solid performance for the Seccers. His boy LukeyMoiMoi was very exciting seeing dad with the ball and shouted out enthusiastically "TACKLE HIM!!!". Hopefully wife Kylie will believe his story that the kids got stuck in a helium balloon and he had to leave the house to chase after them, but luckily they safely landed at Deakin, so while they were there, he thought he may as well play.
  

• And some solid performances by Rupesy and Master Bucks held the team together and ensured some good finishes. Julian is still confused about why his meaty wasn't allowed after the "Yes-No" call on Wolverine which wasn't allowed to play on. It's a conspiracy JBuck.
  

We'll need all on board next week as we take on the top seeds Saiyans.

Round results
8 Saiyans Mens def. Freestylers 3
5 Omnivores def. by Seccers 11
6 Server Racks def. Smokin Guns 5
10 ACT Under 21's def. Tiger Electrics 7

Ladder After Round 1
POS		TEAM	P	W	L	D	B	FF	PP	For	Ag	GD	Pts
1		Seccers	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	11	5	6	3
2		Saiyans Mens	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	8	3	5	3
3		ACT Under 21's	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	10	7	3	3
4		Server Racks Australia	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	6	5	1	3
5		Smokin Guns	1	0	1	0	0	0	0	5	6	-1	1
6		Tiger Electrics	1	0	1	0	0	0	0	7	10	-3	1
7		Freestylers	1	0	1	0	0	0	0	3	8	-5	1
8		Omnivores	1	0	1	0	0	0	0	5	11	-6	1

Preseason 3 - Who stole Haydos' confidential game plan?

Seccers 10 Xact 1

Headling this week was the disappearance of Haydos's Confidential Game Plan and Tactics, which mysteriously disappeared from the bin behind the counter at his Nandos Chicken Joint in Civic.

One of his team mates who works nearby was seen eating at Nandos late last week and is believed to be the prime suspect. Coincidentally, it maybe the cause behind the blowing away of Haydos's 4 try Seccers record, with some sneakly little baastard hanging out wide and employing similar tactics to Haydos to score 6, yes 6, meaty pies.

The official result is unknown due to ACTTA's ultra user friendly web service.

Other highlights from the game were:

• the first game appearance of the Uncanny Xman, with surprisingly fresh legs from his 24 hour Blair Witch Mountain Bike Race, and seemed unscarred from his encounter with that poor chap's eye ball that was hanging of a low branch down the challenging "this is what you want, this is what you get" run at the shadowy back of the course in his 3am stint.
  
  
• the first game appearance of the Wolverine, who was unsurprisingly jaded with hammy's like ironing boards from his cricketing comeback in the Marist Brothers Reunion Match of the Century at the MCG.
  
  
• the introduction of the chicken-wing pass, also known as the seagull flick. it's been unsuccessfully deployed so far, but watch out when it hits the mark.
  
  
• the Pakistani press are calling for the head of Rupezamam-ul-haq, who is believed to have deliberately thrown a pass to the ground with a certain touchdown on
  
  
• Bucky's surge late in the 2nd half, when he split the defence up the guts, only for all of the defenders to swallow him up, which reminded me of an iron man paddler, who surges in front of a wave, only to be gobbled up by the dumper as it closes in on him with the beach only metres in front
  
  
• and finally some lovely Fiji work out there, interrupted by some distinct English and Wales ball handling when it was needed most (oh, and also some nice sportsman ship to the less fortunate opposition who kept earning the wroth of the referee for some god unknown reasons)

Preseason R2 - Hendo's Cameo

Seccers 8 The Cruciates 3

Officially we won 8-3 last night, although the 2 Julian's nearly convinced the ground controller it was 18-3 because they had lost the card and he asked us the score because we seemed the honest type.

There were 4 main highlights

1. was the confusion with both teams and the ref wearing nearly the exact same colours/pattern. So Julian seemed keen to obtain an alternative strip. "some colour that no one else would copy" he said. I'm hoping it's not vomit light brown with carrot coloured pieces...

2. was Cody the seagull's inglorious start, dropping his first touch of the ball with the line 6 inches in front of him. But he made up for it with some find switch running and offloads. Unfortunately, he took the Fiji style a bit too literally and there were some wild flick passes that only Reg Gasnier's nephew could get away with. Overall, it was an impressive debut for the Seccers. Unfortunately the flicks were infectious and Will attempted one as well, which landed safely into the hands of a similar clad fellow, only running the opposite way. Only moments earlier Will was heard saying to Julian with enthusiasm, "yeah, we'll take it to the wing, throw a big dummy like this..."

3. What an impressive cameo performance from the Hendo, who must surely be heading to the Force as a stocky fly half. His meaty under the posts was a fine example of patience and timing after the ball flicked the defenders hands. It was later revealed that the floodlights got in his eyes and then the ball luckily popped into the right place as he was falling down onto his back. Hendo also sniffed out another try, when he realised that there was no way Julian was going to make the line after splitting them up the guts with a nice shimmy and shammy. Anyway, we wish Hendo luck in the West and we look forward to another appearance one day.

4. was for the 4 meaty pies from Haydos, who has started the season strong again like last year. Let's hope he can keep it up this time, so to speak. He was showing great resilience switching, wrapping & backing up, sometimes without getting the ball when some brownish aarvark wouldn't pass him the ball.

And lastly, could we put in a request for some summer season type of weather for next week. Fcuk it was freezing last night. I might have to borrow my wife's long johns like Rupesy.

Preseason R1 - Rock Out with Your Cock Out

Seccers 8 lost to ACT U21s 9

Boys, one of the outcomes of last night's game is that you'll need to figure out your fijian/pacific name to fit in with our playing style. Sean's self subbed WoodyWoody MoiMoi is quite apt considering they are both large hairy beasts and he was barrelling through the young fellas.

Anyone keen for Roco Coco? (the urban dictionary's definition for ROCO COCO - is "Rock Out with Your C0ck Out"). but sorry, i digress...

To the game and as predicted boys, we were left with 0 subs for the first game of the season, when we were all unfit, rusty and struggling to fit into last year's uniforms... Isn't that right Rupeni Caucau !!? 4 TD's though, a nice effort after your hammy blew out when that kid took you on out wide!

We did well to keep pace with the young spring chickens, losing 8-9 (at one stage 6-9 down). Some intercepts and soft TDs undoing the much more impressive TDs that we scored.

JulesyBuckBuck, I think your case of beer for your 1st intercept is now upgraded to a case of high quality ales following your 2nd intercept. Happy for them to be Belgian.